Before I start – I wasn’t sure how else to title this post. This letter is to all of the unfortunate souls who have lost a loved one to suicide. It’s really shit, really fucking shit.
Hey again, we have met a few times before. I have seen you engulf your hopelessness on many other people since. Every time I hear of people who have lost their lives, or even tried to succumb to your evil persuasion, another piece of my heart breaks away. The worst thing? I don’t know how to win the battle.
One of the most difficult things for me about loosing someone [in my case, my Dad] to you, was the eery hopelessness it left me with. The lack of self confidence that I have in myself to not do it too. [just for the record, I am not in that bad place right now]. Whenever times in my life have got tough, like just after my Dad’s death, I often thought [privately, oh so privately] how much easier it would have been if I did it too. Whenever your ‘mate’ Anxiety rages through my body, turning me into a state of panic, there you are, like the devil on my shoulder. Reminding me of the possibility. [again, I am stronger than that now] That if I did it too, I would never have to hurt again.
Hurting, that’s the worst, the people you leave behind. After hearing of the death of the beautiful Sophie Gradon and then today, the subsequent death of her boyfriend Aaron Armstrong, it brings it all into a heart breaking perspective. Suicide, not only do you break the people you take from us. The people you leave behind learn of pain on a level I have never felt before. I don’t want to create a hierarchy of pain here. But I can’t help but feel if something was done, just SOMETHING. So many lives could be saved. My heart breaks so much for their families.
Take my situation for example, two months before my Dad’s death, he took his first overdose. As a skilled Paramedic, not only did he know the amount of medication, and which medication would end his life. He also knew how to fool psychologists, during his examination, having seen it many times before. He knew the right things to say [the scary thing is this is just taken at face value!]. Thus, when he was ‘saved’ the first time, and just left to go home, that is where we failed him. [I say we because I don’t know whose responsibility it is here – and that’s just it], it was a cry for help, but no one was there to help him. This is what breaks my heart so much.
SO I guess, my point is, not only should we do more to win the battle against suicide and mental health, we should do more to check on those we are worried about. We should also do more to check on those who have been unfortunate enough to loose a loved one to Suicide. It opens an unwanted door for many which is often forgotten about, or perhaps not even recognised.